The Girl Who Taught You Kindness - Let's Talk About It
Let's talk about it.
This blog is inspired by all the feedback I've been receiving so far and the effects of speaking openly about grief. On one side it has been lovely and supportive, friends have been reaching out saying how nice it is to know that someone else is feeling the same way. On the other, some people seem very awkward around the topics I discuss, either shying away from reading the posts or changing the subject when I bring things up.
But, I get it.
We exist in a society that views feelings as weakness. Women should only talk about loss and heartbreak with their mothers and girlfriends and men shouldn't talk about it at all. That would be just plain silly! And rude? And it would inconvenience us all so much, right?
Well, I think that's ridiculous. During my training at Douglas we were always taught to talk through things, because even if you think you understand a character or an exercise, if you put in that extra step to talk through each of the parts, it makes it real. You're able to think about something in the context of someone else listening, describing aspects that you might just roll over because you know it so well. So why wouldn't that be the same for a healing process? For me, these blogs have be an incredible outlet for those moments I feel so heavy with memories that I can hardly sit up in the morning. As I write them though I'm constantly met with the mental block "What if people think I'm just whining?" "What if this is just one big clusterf@#! of rambles?"
But what if it is? So what! The things I'm talking about are true, I'm in pain, I'm vulnerable, I'm sad and probably depressed, though I hate to admit that someone could do that to me, I'm lonely and I miss my partner.
But why should I feel guilty saying all that? Cause I do, like I'm breaking some code by being open. I'm not looking for peoples' sympathy by these posts, I am just looking to get it out in the world, to let others know that the emotions they are feeling about their loss aren't just singular to them. We all have felt heartbreak in varying degrees, if it's the loss of a pet, friend, long term partner, short term partner, crush, job, travel plans, innocence, anything, everything. We are all human and I don't think we will ever understand how deeply we are connected, the patterns and emotions we feel are universal. So why should we be afraid to talk about them? If anything we are doing ourselves a disservice by not communicating. Not only are we isolating ourselves and shutting off the impulses we have to feel, to mourn, we are also shutting off our ability to support and to listen. (Which can then be the root of some of this loss, when communication breaks down in relationships, they fail.)
We aren't taught to talk, so in turn we never learn the skills to listen. I want to learn patience.
I am totally guilty of complaining about a friend that just wouldn't get out of that low place after a loss, I understood their pain, but had no patience to deal with them day in and out and comfort them through their journey of mourning. I am so sorry to those people I let down, I am so sorry I didn't call you more, hold you more, tell you you are beautiful and incredible and have strength within you to move mountains. I want to be the friend that will support, that understands, and by wanting it, I am becoming it. By opening myself up and talking about all the sorrow living in my body, heart and soul right now I am letting my vulnerability hang out not for someone to come "save me" but to provide open arms for anyone else out there that just needs a hug right now, or a good cry, or a therapeutic craft and chocolate night.
I am vulnerable, I am broken, but I am not weak. My emotions prove to me how deeply I can feel and even if it's not romantically loving a partner, it means I got a whole lot of love to give to the people in my life.
So if you're having a bad day, call me, call someone, talk. If you feel like crying, call me, call anyone and cry. Get those emotions out, they only prove how strong you can be.
There's more strength in allowing those emotions to flow than to keep them in. It poisons your soul from the inside out and is not strength, it's harmful. So cry, laugh, scream, talk. PLEASE TALK. Even if it's just to your cat. ;)
- The Girl Who Taught You Kindness.