The Girl Who Taught You Kindness - Hello World
Thanks for taking a peek! I'm going to use this blog to talk about grief, loss, and the self discovery that can come out of that. Now, this will get very personal, this isn't a "how to discover and love yourself" sort of thing. This is a place where I can speak openly about my triumphs and failures as I work through my own life and towards the person I want to be. Maybe it'll help some people to read it, maybe it will disappear into the abyss of the inter-webs, who knows!
My life, like many others, has had it's ups and downs and I always thought 'You just ride the wave and see where it takes you, everything happens for a reason right?' About 7 months ago, after returning from a very stressful year in Europe studying, I decided that this "ride the wave" theory was no longer valid. I had to cut my trip short due to a situation with my partner and the stress and anxiety of being away from home. The first month back I did not talk to my best friend/partner. This was incredibly difficult as we had been living and traveling together for a year and dating on and off for almost three. I was job searching at this point, so I had a lot of free time to fill. I started doing yoga twice a day and meditating. I cooked a lot and watched way to much Netflix. I was depressed and missed having my companion to send funny videos to and sweet little "hope your day is lovely, I miss your face" messages. But it gave me the time I needed to take a step back and evaluate what was important in my life. I made a list, I knew that:
- Wanted to be healthy and active (Yoga, veganism, and meditation all being key)
- Wanted to be self aware
- Wanted to create art
- Wanted to change the world (even in small ways)
- Wanted to surround myself with people and situations that uplifted me
Everyday I would wake up and go over my list. I would plan out every second of my day to be working towards the person I wanted to be. Which left no time to spiral into the darkness of the last year. I had been sad long enough, time to get happy!
So here we are 7 months later. My partner and I eventually made up and clumsily tried to sort out some form of open relationship while we worked on repairing ourselves and our friendship. But somewhere along the line we lost site of each other. We forgot what we were working towards. I won't go into detail because I want to respect the bounds of our relationship, but a little under a week ago he left me to date other people. It was messy, and heartbreaking, and badly handled. There's very little chance we will be in each others lives again.
This moment broke me. Very possibly the hardest thing I've had to deal with in a very long time. We had planned our life together, we'd lived together, experienced the world, we wanted to change the world, and at some point I had learned how to love this being more deeply than I thought love could go. So the question was, what now? What do you do when someone is ripped out of your life that you thought was always going to be there? Not only a partner but any loved one? (I'll go into this more in my next post)
Well, honestly I've cried a lot. I don't think that will stop soon. But being an artist and being on this self discovery "path" I wanted to know the source of this saddness. He had left me, so why was I holding on so closely to someone who had made it clear I wasn't what they were looking for? WHY do I miss this person? What about this situation hurt so much? Outside of all the emotional loss and heartache, blah, blah, the conclusion I came to was; our future. We had had a difficult relationship, sure, but we were working on getting better and in doing that we were planning out our future together. Things we wanted to do, places to see, experiences to have. For Christmas I gave him a scrapbook and on one of the pages was a list of 102 things we had said we wanted to do together before we die. He gave me an adventure book he'd made, with one adventure for us to have each month for the upcoming year. I felt (and feel) like some sort of commitment was made "Ya, we're going to make it work by falling in love with each other and our memories" and now that commitment has fallen apart.
So, somewhere in the depths of my self loathing, how did this happen, replaying every moment to see what I could of done differently so this didn't have to crumble state of mind, I couldn't find a reason why it had too. Why can't I fall in love with those memories and myself instead? Why do I have to sacrifice all these beautiful things I wanted to do with my life because he's chosen a different path? 114 things I'm going to make happen in my life. I think that sounds like a pretty exciting bucket list and being an artist, fantastic inspiration for a project! So stay tuned for posts, pictures and words about my adventures finding happiness and falling in love with myself and my life with a little help from my friends and a bucket list born from a love affair.
- The Girl Who Taught You Kindness.